got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
