Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
