I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
