i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
