to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The power of my boobs compel you
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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