She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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