I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
