Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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