my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
