Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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