i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
