You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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