This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
