Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
