are you still at the devil's house?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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