dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
