your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
