There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
