lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
