But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
