Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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