I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
