In America we eat man semen.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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