I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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