she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
