Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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