The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
