is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
