Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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