can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
