Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
if you like me you must not know who I am
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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