I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
