I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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