I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
