cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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