pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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