I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
