So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
