Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
