You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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