dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
