we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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