omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
