TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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