12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
