so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
