In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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