I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
