just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
