if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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