you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Never joke about your clitoris.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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