Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize