she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
