I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
