I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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