You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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