I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
