you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
