yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You don't make any sense
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