so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
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